Peace of Mind When your Thoughts are a Jumbled Mess

Peace of Mind When your Thoughts are a Jumbled Mess

Everyday I think of things I’d like to write, to ponder, then I sit at my computer and watch the cursor blink repetitively. The page is blank and the expectations are high. My thoughts escape me as fast as they arrived. It’s myself that holds me back and demands more than can be accomplished. My mind suddenly revolts and my fingers won’t move. So, I’m starting with this, an admission that I can’t necessarily do this, but I’m going to do it anyway.

I will write SOMETHING. I’m going to think this through, reflect and figure something out. It’s a start and a step in the direction I would like to go.

Life truly has so many hardships, so many disappointments. The longer we live, the more they build. Everyone knows this once they’ve lived a while. We carry it all like a weight upon our shoulders. We have so much to do, so much to decide. We trudge through it all and collapse into bed at night as our minds race through the tasks for the following days. We cruelly remind ourselves over and over that we should be free and that our days should represent peace, kindness and love. We know it doesn’t have to be this way, but how do we dig out of the mess in our minds? Our hopes and dreams seem like they should be given up, because they don’t seem attainable any longer. Our souls long for quiet, thoughtful moments, but our minds relinquish those things. Demands, clutter and confusion completely devour us, and we let them.

Today, all I need to know is that is doesn’t have to be this way. This is my beginning. I breathe deeply, taking in the prospect of a new way of living, a new way of feeling.

We find in the Bible that Habakkuk was very overcome on all sides. Discouraging situations were building up around him. When I read his words, I can relate to my own disgruntlement, my own frustrations. However, he looks at these problems in a different way than I do most days.

Habakkuk says, “I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint.” Habakkuk 2:1

Habakkuk is looking and listening. He has hope in the fact that this isn’t the way it will always be. This is where I so often go wrong. Habakkuk sees a problem and he goes to God. I do that. I go to God over and over, but I often don’t listen and watch for the reply. I don’t feel for the subtle movements in my soul. Habakkuk is so sure that God has an answer that he doesn’t even consider it hopeless. God tells him to write it down, so it will be a testimony for the future.

Write down the vision (or revelation), clearly write it down so one may easily read it. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it testifies about the end and it will not lie. Though it delays, wait for it, since it will certainly come and not be late.” Habakkuk 2: 2-3

So, this is me writing it down today, here for the world to see. My “vision” from the Lord is simply a picture what a life of peace would look and feel like. It’s my desire for it. Its hard to imagine getting there, but I know it would be a very good thing. I know that I would feel closer to God and that I would feel better. I know that life would slow down and my mind would settle. I would see God in more things. Because this vision of my life lines up with the Bible, and because it is a righteous desire, I know that it is from God. We often think revelations or visions must be big things, but mostly they aren’t. Mostly, they regard the small, everyday happenings.

The Lord gives peace to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

It’s out there, this peace Psalm 29 talks discusses. But, where do we find it? It’s attainability is absolutely not impossible, or else the Bible would be untrue. We each have our own pathway though. My intuition tells me that all of us should watch and listen like Habakkuk once did. “I will look to see what He will say to me…” Start slowly. Just listen. Listen to your heart & soul and discover what God may be asking of you, what revelation he may be trying to give you. Write it down and try to clearly decipher one thought from another, your own selfish thoughts from those directed by God.

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr.

Don’t be overwhelmed by the whole picture. Even Martin Luther King Jr. knew this concept well as he tackled some of the greatest challenges in history.

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Transparency

photo copy 8Wide open skies and warm country air.

Very uncharacteristic of late December in Kentucky but very appreciated.

We ran and played on grandmother’s farm for Christmas this year.

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We finally got our hands on growing baby Violet who is almost 6 months old.

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photo copyCozy & familiar things are good.

They help us to settle down.

………………….

Recent changes have been a little more difficult on me than anticipated.

Cozy & familiar are nothing of the sorts.

As a mother, a sense of security in my children is important.

I want them to feel at home and peaceful within.

I place a lot of value on this because it is important to me.

With our move, as expected, things were turned up-side-down.

They still are and will probably be for a while.

Why have I been struggling so much with that?

…………………..

Isaiah 26:3-4 

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

……………………

I have to re-evaluate.

Is my security found in myself?

Does my peace come from control and perfection?

Are my eyes really fixed on the Lord?

I have to ask myself these questions and be transparent with myself.

Did you know we can lie to ourselves?

It’s called denial.

The answers are not what I wanted to hear.

………………………

So, here we go Jesus.

Lesson 500,988,321,764.

I’m having trouble trusting You.

For some crazy reason, I’m finding myself more capable than You, my creator.

This mindset looks like a lot of disappointment and heartbreak for my future.

So, let’s talk about changing it.

Show me how to let go.

I don’t want these frustrating feelings in my heart and now I know why they are there.

I am Yours.

My heart is Yours.

My mind is Yours.

My life is Yours.

My family is Yours.

My days are Yours.

I do not know what is best, You do.

I’m setting my mind on You.

Every moment & every second.

Thanks you Jesus that you love me so much that you show me how to feel better.

……………………

This week at my mom’s house in the country has been a gift.

Did I earn such a gift? Probably not.

But God loves me despite whether or not I’m deserving.

My Heart

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Good things are happening in Chattanooga…

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Things are currently a bit of a whirlwind

and I’m just along for the ride.

You never know what a day may bring.

But, God is so completely faithful.

This is the beginning of something I can’t see

but feel in my heart.

God is up to something fantastic!

I Wish

I wish we could begin life knowing all the things we learn along the way.

Motherhood.

There are so many lessons to be learned.

The momma in this photo has everything she ever dreamed about.

So much love surrounds her. 

Her children need her. She is their world. 

Why can’t I see life for what it is when I’m right in the middle of it?

I’ve missed seeing the goodness in so many of my days.

I get so impatient with these sweet children.

It seems that at some point, almost every day, I am frustrated and irritable with them.

Most of the time, I justifiably have a reason.

In my mind, I could explain how one of them deserved the harshness I dished out.

But, the truth is, they didn’t.

I’m so tired of thinking about things I should not have said before falling asleep at night.

I know in my heart that in just a short while they will be independent.

They wont need me like they do now.

I will wish I had every single moment back to re-do.

Having a third child has definitely stretched me to my limit, maybe even pushed me over the edge.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted every single day.

I feel like every ounce of strength has been squeezed from my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who in the world I’m looking at.

That is why I need God.

This is just another challenge that I need Him to guide me through.

He will show me the way.

He will renew my strength.

In every way, I am truly the happiest I have ever been.

I love these babies with every breath.

But, that doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

My prayer tonight is that God helps me see my every moment for what it truly is.

I pray that He helps me know the right way to handle myself in every situation.

I want to be proud of all the words I’ve spoken to my children and all my actions towards them.

I need Him to help me change now before what I’ve learned is too late to be useful.

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Let’s Be Honest

I haven’t written in over a week because I’ve been numb or crying or frustrated or tired or mad for no reason at all.

My life is not always sunshine and flowers. Of course, I’m just like the rest of the world. There are days when I feel like I’m falling apart.

Last week, postpartum hormones knocked me off my feet for the third time around. If only there was a way to see it coming and stop it.

It’s like an out of body experience. I see myself thinking and acting illogically. But, there is simply nothing I can do to “fix” it.

It’s a sad hopeless sort of feeling. My energy is depleted. My body hurts. Some days I feel just fine. Others, I simply sit and think of all the things I should do that I could never possibly finish. Instead of doing any of it, I do nothing. I feel like I’m walking in circles. Add three babies and homeschooling to that picture and you have one anxious girl.

I know these feelings will pass soon. I’ll be right back to myself in a matter of weeks. I’ve been reading more scripture and embracing the quiet moments when I find them. I know I need God to keep me grounded. He captures my scattered thoughts and places them gently back where they belong. He does truly bring rest to my mind. Although they are difficult, I do appreciate these sort of times. I am able to sense God’s loving touch upon me in a different way. I understand it is Him who renews my strength, even on the days I’m not watching close enough to know it needs to be renewed. I am sure, again, that I need Him.

 

Carefree.

It’s a new place God is taking me.

You must know He does want us to embrace and enjoy the lives He created for us.

My children and I recite this prayer in the mornings.

I thank you God 

for sleep last night. 

I  thank you God for the 

morning light.

I thank you for 

this happy day.

And help me keep it

just that way.

That is for tomorrow.

Sometimes simplicity is best.

Pure and Simple

We were on the lawn today.

The moment seemed just perfect.

A blanket.

Laughter.

Three lovely babies.

Warm sun-shinny weather.

Completely unplanned.

Pure and simple.

Dirty faces and play clothes.

Dancing

Eleanor Farjeon

A hop, a skip, and off you go!

Happy heart and merry toe,

Up and down and in and out,

This way, that way, round about!

Bend like grasses in the breeze,

Wave your arms like wind-blown trees,

Dart like swallows, glide like fish,

Dance like anything you wish.

Soundless as the snowflakes white,

Swift as shooting stars at night,

Nimble as a goblin elf,

Dance, dance and be yourself.

Stately, sprightly, so and so,

Quick and slow,

To and fro,

Kicking high and jumping low,

A skip, a hop, and off you go!

Hum-Drum

blogging makes me appreciate hum-drum days. i woke up this morning and decided to record bits and pieces of our day. when i was all done writing, it actually didn’t seem hum-drum in the least!

it was rich and beautiful and lovely.

it is easy to get lost in time, worry and work yourself to death and then just feel relieved to lie your head down at night.

if there was only a way for us all to see the reality of what we actually have.

“overdoing it”

a very fitting lesson.

i love that through homeschooling, i’ve been the one to teach roman to read. what an amazing path to walk upon.

teaching him sometimes reminds me of old english literature. before there were schoolhouses, people learned from each other and from studying books. what amazing conversations roman and i have had about the books we’ve read together.

estella holding her dolly’s hand and keeping herself busy while we have school time!

calendar and clock work.

give a boy and box and he is good to go! jude finds PLENTY of things to do during school time!

he pretty much reminds me of quite a few surgeons i’ve works with in these glasses. maybe a doctor in the works?

little momma.

preschool time.

c is for cat. oh, how he wants one. i’m thinking maybe a cat in a box for easter….

globe + map + history books + baby sister

carving hieroglyphics into our clay (play dough) tablet.

chicken tortilla soup. roman likes to borrow my camera.

circus world.

goodnight.