When God Says “You’re Welcome”


THERE it is… THAT moment again. The one where God shows me that He is absolutely real. The moment when I pray and I feel him. Mostly, it’s when I thank him. Oh, how he rushes over me. So often, I think “Did that just happen?” Did I just feel God’s presence with me? Can we replay that because it was amazing?! It couldn’t be emotions.  I’ve replayed it over and over. I am happy at times. I am sad and overwhelmed sometimes too, but I never feel that. I might jump up and down when something makes me feel excited and thankful. But, I don’t feel that. It’s when I talk to Christ. That’s it. 

There has never been another sensation comparable in any way. I could turn inside-out with the thrill of it. It makes my heart feel like it could burst open with excitement. Usually, its head to toe goosebumps too and a quick rushing through my veins.  Really, there is no way to describe it appropriately. It’s like a drug. I need more of it. When you feel him, you KNOW it’s him. It is God almighty, the creator of the universe. His presence is made known and like no other.

This past week, I said “thank you” and there it was, rushing over me. That’s all it took, one simple  “Thank you.” No planning. Nothing strategic. Actually, it took me by surprise…. again.  It was like a GIGANTIC “You’re welcome,” right back at me. Ummm… can we repeat that God? Let me try that one more time. “THANK YOU… Darn!!” It didnt have the same effect the second time around. But, it was so good!

And every time it happens, I think to myself, but why? I’m so messed up, so sinful.  He loves even though I’m imperfect. How can this be? I surely didn’t deserve that. Regardless of the fact that I’ve made plenty of mistakes this week, he still made me aware that he was there, with me. It’s really fantastic and quite thrilling to know a God like this. There is no earning this type of love. He gives it away freely and unassuming. 

He Isn’t Like Us

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He isn’t like us. He is loyal and covenant-keeping. He is merciful, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. He forgives iniquity and transgression and sin. (Exod. 34: 5-7)

These are things I have to keep reminding myself when I don’t understand God. The Israelites lost faith, grumbled and built a golden calf. God remained merciful. His presence remained with them, despite their repeated offenses. He gave them another chance. Mercy and forgiveness to thousands.

Jesus sent to a growing world to show us the way. His body broken on the cross for our failures, for another chance. He gave and became our sacrifice forever and ever. Again, mercy and forgiveness to all.

“I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark.” Jesus

He is loyal, committed and unchanging.

He isn’t like us. He doesn’t think like us. He remains focused and present at all times. We are vulnerable to sickness, death, persuasion, and weariness. We can’t see his interventions and protection. We can’t comprehend his goodness. Mostly, we aren’t grateful, whether from lack of knowledge or lack of understanding. We can’t see what is coming or all the ways he has shielded us and hovered over us.  Yet, he keeps going before us, continuously. We aren’t aware of all his workings but he continues. It’s the ultimate humility, the ultimate kind of love. Giving and protecting with no credit, no boasting or, in most cases, no recognition at all.

So, when I grumble, he remains. When I am lost for days upon days, he follows me into the darkness, searching out my heart. When I walk far away and his voice is no longer heard, his presence remains. When I think I don’t need him, he stays anyway. His love is not removed when I fail or doubt or blame or grow bitter. He isn’t like us. There is another chance. Mercy and forgiveness to us all forever and always.


waves and wind

“The waves and wind still know his name…” Bethel Music


Photo credit: indulgy.com/post/X9CrZUcO82/serenity

When I was a little girl, I would sit next to my mom in a small country church in Kentucky every single week. The walls were paneling and the pews were cold and hard. There were hymnals and Holy Bibles behind every seat. The room wouldn’t hold more that fifty people. They’d sing loud and uninhibited with only a piano and a voice leading them. Those people, they loved Jesus. They went to church until they died, literally. I have vivid memories of the man with the tracheostomy, 100-year-old ladies and sick people coming to the cross for healing. Age and crippling bodies didn’t keep them away. After all, Jesus and this community of like-minded believers were all that was true and eternal.

Sometimes the Spirit of God would fall and they would cry and shout. This “spirit” was God’s overwhelming presence coming to mend and love them. Tears would stream down their faces and sometimes they’d weep. They wept mostly for people they loved, lost souls. Sometimes they wept because God’s presence was so obviously answering prayers and healing their hearts. Those were tears of joy, so to speak. They were crying out to God from the depths of their hearts.

It scared me to death. I was so sure that this “presence of God” was real that I feared it would take over my body and make me cry or shout in front of people. Yep, no one had to tell me anything about Jesus. One moment around people overcome by His presence and He was REAL. Some people might look at that scenario and say it wasn’t healthy to fear God in that way as a child. But, God had shown himself 100% ever-present and real. The words to It is Well by Bethel Music sing “Far be it from me to not believe even when my eyes can’t see.” Even when I get mad and tired and frustrated, far be it that I not believe. He dug down deep a long time ago when I was a little girl and took root within my soul.

God was gentle with my heart back then. Everyone in the room would be feeling God’s presence and I would sit and take it all in. I felt it too, sitting there scared to death that God might take over my body like some sort of out of body experience. (Twenty-some years later, that has never EVER happened by the way.) But, God swarmed around me. And when I was ready, He filled me. He rested on me as a child like a dove. He whispered kind and loving words to my heart. I didn’t need to show it or even tell anyone, I held it all back for the sake of refinement.  But, God and I knew our secret. From as early as I can remember, He has been with me.

Recently, I was driving down the road listening to that song I mentioned earlier, It is Well, when I heard the words “the wind and waves still know his name.” All at once, I was reminded of these experiences I had as a young girl that I hadn’t thought about hardly ever. Honestly, those memories were filed away and destined to be forgotten. But, today, I suddenly felt a very familiar presence of God. It was a major déjà vu moment. I immediately associated it with that gentle presence of God I felt all those years ago, sitting and hiding behind a pew. It was just like being there again, back in time, face to face with the Holy Spirit.

Remarkably, God is the same as he was back then when I sat in that country church. The waves and wind still know his name because He is the same God that reached down and touched a little girl’s heart. He was there when I was formed in my mother’s womb. He was there when I was innocent and sad or didn’t understand. He was there when I made bad choices and when I turned my back on Him. He was there when I celebrated. He was there when I tried and failed. He was there in all the scary and difficult moments. His love is the only thing constant,  true and eternal, just as those believers taught me back then. He will see me through until the end. May His presence always be my dwelling place.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place
    in all generations.
 Before the mountains were brought forth,
    or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

Psalm 90:1-2




Oral Immunotherapy, aka OIT, is used to treat life threatening food allergies.

About two years ago, I came across a few mothers in an online food allergy group from my area. I soon discovered this new treatment. One of the mothers was already driving several hours biweekly to have her son treated for a severe milk allergy.  She was right in the middle of OIT. I was amazed! After a while, one of the mother’s organized an evening to meet and discuss OIT. We all sat on her patio and soaked up all the knowledge we could from this brave mom who was already treating her son. At the end of our evening, we prayed. It was a hopeful and earnest prayer from a group of mothers who were desperate for healing in their children.

I believe that even in the early stages of this process, God was behind it all. The coincidental finding of these local mothers, the one brave mom with all the knowledge and all the rest, it’s all God’s story.

There were two main reasons why this treatment was not an option for my son at the time of this meeting. #1 It wasn’t covered by insurance. #2 The closest doctor was 8 hours away.

Only a few months ago, we discovered that another doctor was added to the list of physicians providing OIT and he was only 2.5 hours from us. Also, he files with insurance. Not only does he file with insurance but, he is in our network, even though he is out of state. The procedures have already been pre-approved by our insurance company. There are currently only about 25 physicians in the country providing this treatment.

I met with one of those same mothers again last week because two of her children are already seeing this doctor and now in the middle of their treatment! She said, “I believe this doctor starting an OIT practice is a direct reflection of our prayers that night on my patio.” God knew I was going to need some major support on this one because he has brought some amazing Godly people into my life who are on the same journey I’m on.

Our start date is May 11th. The treatment itself takes about one year. The first day of dosing takes 6 hours in a room at a hospital. You start with tiny doses, literally invisible, and gradually increase, approximately every 15-20 minutes. Doses are given in clear liquid. The goal is to get to 3mg (still tiny) of peanut by the end of the day. You go home with doses to take at home every day. There are several rules that must be followed. For example, doses must be taken about the same time every day. Also, there cannot be any exercise or activity that gets your heart rate up for two hours after the dose. Studies have shown that this increases the chance of reaction. Also, illness complicates the process. Doses must be stopped during illnesses and you have to backtrack in your dosing. So, you may have worked really hard to get to a certain place, but often have to go backwards.

We will drive back to the doctor once every two week to “up-dose.” Then, travel home and continue our daily doses on our new dose. Once we are eating enough peanut flour, we convert to actual peanuts. By the end of the year, we will be eating around 8 peanuts a day.

This begins the maintenance phase which is ultimately forever. For at least a year, you eat a specified amount of the peanut every day.  Sometime later, a food challenge is given where a higher amount of the food is given and observed in a clinical setting. If the challenge is passed, the child often goes on to eat whatever form of the food they wish.

This is the gray area. Doctors aren’t sure about what happens next. A recent study showed that children who stopped consuming the food redeveloped the allergy within 3 months. Therefore, it is recommended at this point to continue consumption of the food indefinitely. But, seriously, who wouldn’t want to eat 8 peanut M&M’s every day?

Am I scared? Yes. I’m completely scared. In fact, more scared than I ever have been about anything in my life. It’s on my mind constantly. I’ve imagined every bad scenario. I’ve had nightmares and near panic attacks. I’m afraid he will have a reaction and never trust me again. But, I’m putting on my brave face. I’m in the process of turning off my worrying and picking up peace.

On the way to our first consultation with the doctor a few weeks ago, I felt like God spoke to me. I was praying and begging for confirmation. This is what I felt Him say to my heart. “It’s just like your pregnancies. You were afraid and there were bumps along the way. But, I sustained you. At the end of each pregnancy, your miracle was delivered.”

I don’t know what this process is going to be like for us. Many children race through with no reactions. Others have constant tummy aches and some have bad reactions. The unknown is frightening.

Here is what I do know. I know that my son can have an accidentally exposure at any moment. Every single day is a risk. The older he gets, the less control I have over the situation. Fear hovers over us. In the news, children are dying from this allergy.

But, no one has ever died from OIT. In fact, 80% of kids make it to the end of the treatment. They can safely eat the very food that would have hurt them only a year prior. This treatment is much more controlled than any accidental exposure without it ever could be.  I see pictures of my friend’s child with the milk allergy doing things like eating ice cream for the fist time and my heart skips a beat. They are done with milk OIT. A part of him is free that wasn’t before. I’ve seen many videos of kids safely eating real peanuts for the first time in their lives. I want that for Roman. I want him to conquer this!

All the moms, they say it is the best thing they have ever decided to do. They say it is all worth it x 1000! I have yet to speak with one that says they would go back and not do OIT. They are all very glad they did. All I can do it trust God. How could I not go for a chance to let God use this to heal my son?

As we approach the start date, please pray for these things. 1. Roman’s environmental allergies to not flare up this spring. (This could delay the process or make it hard for us to distinguish between environmental allergies and dose reactions.) 2. Health and strong immunity in Roman’s body. 3. Peace and strength in Roman’s mind and mine. 4. No side effects from dosing.

More post to come on our journey towards OIT!

life with a peanut allergy


Roman was my first baby. When he was six months old, I let him lick a No-Bake cookie. Immediately, he broke out in a rash around his mouth. That was my first sign there was a problem. I chose to avoid peanuts for the time, until he could be tested with an allergist. Months later, he was skin tested which resulted in a very large skin reaction that left us for sure he was allergic to peanuts.

When he was two, he had an unknown reaction while traveling on a bus with a ton of teenagers in the middle of no-where Georgia. We were youth pastors on the way home from youth camp. It started with body hives and lead to profuse swelling. The skin over his joints was literally overlapping at the creases. We called 911 from the bus, they met us on the side of the interstate and Roman took his first ambulance trip to the nearest hospital where we stayed for several hours.

From very early on in his life, fear and anxiety had a chance to take root in him.

Several more times, Roman had unexplained reactions. Once, Roman was in classroom with someone eating a pb & j sandwich. Even though my son was instructed to sit at a different table, later in the day he had a reaction where his eyes swelled shut and he had difficultly breathing.

These instances always lead to antihistamines, steroids and breathing treatments. Our epinephrin pens are never far from us. Its our greatest fear that we will have to use it. The actual use of it isn’t what is scary. It is the idea that if we use it, he is having an anaphylactic reaction. Anaphylactic reactions can lead to death.

What is your greatest fear? Many of us would say suffocation. Imagine the fear of suffocation from an anaphylactic reaction. Imagine that fear in the mind of child.

When he was six I finally decided to have blood work drawn on him that tested further for the allergy. His results came back at the highest possible level. We were heartbroken. We had hoped he was one of the few that outgrow this allergy but he was not. It was here to stay. Not only was it here to stay, it was bad. The doctor made sure that we understood. If he were to have peanut, he would not get a rash, he would, more than likely, have an anaphylactic reaction.

The problem with peanut allergy, like many other food allergies, is that it is never completely avoidable. It can be hiding anywhere at any time. Foods can easily be “cross-contaminated” in a factory when several different items are made on the same equipment. Workers can cross-contaminate in a restaurant. If a worker touches something with peanut in it, then touches your food, you can be exposed. The tiniest amount of exposure can bring about a reaction. Imagine a kid in the movie theatre eating a Reese Cup and wiping his hand across the fabric seat. Then, my son comes along and touches the seat, while he eats his popcorn. It can be fatal. Imagine that you just ate peanuts and then kissed my son on the cheek or touched his face.

As a mother, it is on my mind at all times. Every food label in my home has been mulled over so he is safe here. But, when we are anywhere else, safety is never felt. He is now eight years old and is crushed by the weight of fear. We have seen him have full-on panic attacks in restaurants when he got a little choked, thinking he couldn’t breath because he was exposed to a peanut. Everywhere he goes, its on his mind too.

If he is having problems with environmental allergies, it often get confused with a possible peanut exposure.

He played basketball this season. I could tell on the court that he was “in his head.” Sometimes, he withdraws and is quiet which is definitely not his normal personality. He later told me he worries about things like whether or not someone ate peanut butter then touched the ball. He concentrates on not touching his face which consumes his thoughts.

This is the most heartbreaking part of it all. It is the anxiety and fear my son feels.  We don’t care that we can’t have peanuts. These years are so vital in his development. His personality has literally been shaped by this allergy. In 6-8 years, he will no longer be at my side 24 hours a day. I won’t be able to monitor every bite that goes into his mouth. I wont be able to wipe down tables and scan the room for possible culprits. What if he kisses a girl or eats the wrong brownie at a friends house?

So, here we are. Life has brought us to this crossroad. My eight year old has a severe peanut allergy and now there is possibly a treatment when there had not been one before. For years, the only treatment has been avoidance. But, now, there is something new, a possibility. Oral Immunotherapy. The treatment isn’t without risk though. It involves actually feeding your child the food they are allergic too! Can we do this? Can we handle this pressure?

More to come on our steps towards Oral Immunotherapy, aka OIT.